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Whisht! Dinnae Tell Them Aw Oor Secrets! ©

by H Marshall

Ye've heard frae Burns, the 'Address to a Haggis',
An' its 'fair an sonsie face'.
Nae doot ye ken aboot its legs bein' shorter oan wan side
Tae help it run roon the hill side,
An how it only comes oot at nicht,
When the tourists are awa tae thur hotels
An' thur's some wha even ken whit's inside it.
Shame! The secret o' the haggis is oot!

Maist o' ye hiv heard aboot Nessie
An' the tales aboot her as lang's yur airm.
How she roams the waters aroon Loch Ness
And is mainly spotted in the tourist season
Especially in the gloamin, amid the sound o' the pibroch ,
When the Scotch mist and whiskey play thur tricks.
But aw they cliver scientists hiv disproved her existence.
Shame! The secret o' Nessie is oot!.

Nae doot ye've heard o' Brigadoon,
When a wee hielan village appears amang the mist,
But only every hunder years or so,
An the Americans fa' in love wi a bonnie hielan lass
Amang the heather and the glens whaur nae clegs bite.
An ye aw ken it's only a Holywood myth
Contrived to show aff their cinematic wares an mak money
Shame! The secret o' Brigadoon is oot!

Noo, we turn tae 'John Barleycorn. Thou king o' grain.'
It's the unique growin soil, an' the ancient still
An' the generations o' skilled craftsmen
That mak Scotch whiskey the 'soul o' plays an pranks'
Add tae that the pure, peaty, heilan water
An' ye hiv the recipe fur the barley-bree
Tae sample at yur will an 'forget yur loves or debts'.
Shame! The secret o' Whiskey is oot!

A ken aw ye giglets hiv wondered aboot the philabeg
An' whit the hielan man wears underneath
Nae doot ye've aw tried tae get a wee keek
When he climbs the stairs or bends his knee
Or when the tartan birls in the Eightsome Reel
An ye ken that a sodger frae the Argylls is different
Fur he must abide by the dress code o' the Regiment
Shame! The secret o' the kilt is oot!

Ye've heard aboot the parritch we hiv fur breakfast in the mornin
An ye aw ken it's made frae the best country oats
Wi a wee pinch o' salt added fur taste
An ye ken its guid fur reducin cholesterol
An it gies oor braw lads strength at the hielan games
But no' mony ken the real skill's in the steerin o' it
That's whit maks oor brose unique across the world
But am nae staumrel! That's wan secret fur us Scots tae keep!

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