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Tom Barker
Joondalup, Australia

Missus said, "I'd like a lawn,
nuthin too dramatic."
But she 'ad been lookin' at
old pics stored up in the attic.

Rollin' lawns like tennis courts.
I said, "You 'ave tu be jokin'.
The bill to 'ave lawns like that,
would have me positively choking!"

But Strip a Lawn surprised me.
I found that you build it bit by bit.
So I measured up and ordered.
and next day they delivered it.

"You must lay it today, sir."
said the driver with a grin.
And I thought it a doddle,
as the sun behind a cloud went in.

No sooner had I started,
bloody hot sun came out.
I laid a hundred square feet of lawn,
then immediately passed out.

The sun was setting in the dusk,
with an evil grin.
Next morning I awoke
like a butterfly stuck on a pin.

Not only was I sun burned,
but bloody sun stroke too.
And when the missus came home,
we had another blue.

"Drink some more fluid!" she quipped
and I do beg your pardon.
But I drank so much fluid,
I had more leaks than a Welchman's garden.

Then I set the flower seeds,
and I shooed the pigeons off.
But when I disappeared indoors,
they just jumped down to scoff.

Any flower that makes the grade,
is battling to flower at all,
'Cos caterpillars and other bugs,
strip em, and it get's yer gall..

Now I feed the pigeons,
and they feed the cat.
'Cos they are too bloody fat to fly,
and hit the fence wi' a splat.

But cat's sit in the moonlight,
just before the dawn.
They wake me up from nodland,
and anger they just spawn.

So reaching under me piller
a catapult I withdraw.
And loaded wi' a big dried pea,
I aim and get a score.

Pull! zing! splat! "meow!"
I know I had made a score.
'Cos the bloody cat chorus,
has struck up again next door.

Next day in the sunshine,
I mow the lawn real nice.
Then notice little droppings,
and discover we got mice.

Trying to get the cats back,
is like pissing against the wind.
So don't interfere wi' nature,
cos nature can rescind.

And finding yerself back in square one,
makes yu stop and think,
'Cos when yu step in catshit,
from you every one will shrink.

"Wear some deodorant!"
came the off-the-cuff remark.
"Or bugger off and hide somewhere,
preferably where its dark!"

So go up in the attic,
and find them books on lawns,
And stuff 'em in the barbie
to cook all them raw prawns.

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