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I Knew I'd Be A Deputy ©

(In Britain's former deep-mining industry, a Deputy was an underground official, normally in charge of a District. The form mentioned, M&Q 132, was a Shift Report, filled in by said Deputy; these were often astounding works of fiction. A Deputy was not noted for his social skills, though there were persistent rumours of a Deputy who passed 9 A levels, and could speak seven different languages. There were also persistent rumours of Yetis, Neanderthal tribes somewhere in Mongolia, and a library just outside Nuneaton. NACODS would be their Union: the National Association of Colliery Overmen, Deputies and Shot-firers. That isn't what we used to call it, of course; except for the National bit, maybe. A paper was permission to leave the pit early. But enough!)

Gordon Fjaelberg
Bridgend, Wales

I knew I'd be a Deputy,
I'm good at telling fibs;
I won a competition once
For witty, quick ad-libs.
Furthermore, I read and write,
Both attributes I pride;
I knew I'd be a Deputy,
I'm so well qualified.

My M&Q One Thirty Two
Would make a sinner wince;
I filled it out correctly once,
But haven't bothered since.
At the close of every shift
I'll write what I decide;
I knew I'd be a Deputy,
I'm so well qualified.

My own report I can distort
So credit shines on me;
Today we only cut two feet,
But I'll confess to three.
Drinking with the manager,
Explaining how I tried;
I knew I'd be a Deputy,
I'm so well qualified.

I'll give my men a paper when
I think they've done their best;
Few, indeed, are priviliged,
The devil take the rest.
That I've got my favourites
I've never once denied;
I knew I'd be a Deputy,
I'm so well qualified.

So NACODS reign, and I disdain
The likes of NUM;
No longer am I one of you,
For now I'm one of them.
Life was never sweeter since
I crossed the Great Divide;
I knew I'd be a Deputy,
I'm so well qualified.

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