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Granny's Contribution ©

Jim McRobert
Edinburgh, Scotland

Frae the pulpit in kirk yin Sunday the Meenister telt them awe
that he'd need tae mak a collection for the repairing o' the Haw
tae pit thir thoughts tae-gither tae raise this vastly sum
or thid lose its roof tae dampness an fir this they awe looked glum
so the Elders gathered roon an roon thir broos wur wracked in thought
thae wid set a monthly target tae get money fir the pot

It wis at the Spring Merkit a gaithering frae awe pairts
whin folk frae awe the district selt goods frae aff thir cairts
folks wur selling marmalade, the best o' chutney too
an at the back o' Granny's cairt, thir wis a lang, lang, queue
she wis offerin samples, a tastir o' hur fare
an folks thought this delightful an wur keen tae buy hur ware

Hur Ladyship Elizabeth, wis pleased at whit she'd got
she said it gave her cravings an she'd need tae buy a pot
thin she asked fir twa or three, she'd need tae tak thim awe
that women wis sae brass-neckit, aye she really hud the gall
"An whit" she asked "is in this, this pot o' jam the day?"
"Herbs an things frae oot ma gairdin." wi heard Auld Granny say

Aye not yin lass could copy it, that stuff that Granny made
despite telling how she made it, wae the ingredients that she said
throo oot awe the district, folks began tae try
tae mak the stuff that Granny'd made, it wis sae rare tae buy
whit wur the ingredients noo, she'd mentioned this an that
some fine young leeks fir stairtirs, coated wae some fat

Soon Granny'd made a fortune, the Haw soon got its roof
wae slates an smertly painted, in God's name that's the truth
she wis mentioned by the Meenister, a plaque fir hur wis made
it made hur awe embarrassed, she'd not yin word tae say

Noo the Government wur interested, the Customs taen a view
contacted the local polis, thae nasty bo-eys in blue
the Inspector cawed the Sergeant an the Sergeant telt his bo-eys
tae raid Auld Granny's hoose that night, an mind an tak the dogs
aye thir wis sic a consternation alang oor street that night
forty polis in thir vans, it really wisnae right

Thae searched in awe hur gairdin, an awe aboot hur hoose
liftin awe hur flair-boards, left wires hingin loose
questioned hur an bullied hur whur she'd kept the stuff
interrogated awe night lang, wae Granny thae wur rough
an at last thae broke hur spirit, it hud taen thim weeks an weeks
confessed whit ever she hud done, it must hae been the leeks

So, the polis got a Gairdiner tae see the plants thid got
an he said wae great conviction, thae leeks thae hud wur not
he contacted a Botonist an influential chap
whae recognised thim straight awaw, Marijuana plants bi half
aye an that stuff thir is Cannabis, the finest in the land
and eh, she mixed it awe in Marmalade, am share it wisnae planned

A'm share yi cannae charge hur, she really didnae know
that the plants wae-in hur gairdin, wis dangerous tae sow
Noo let this be a warnin tae awe gairdiners an the like
tae read the packit careful an thin yill plant it right
dinnae tak nae cuttins until yi read the tag
or yill get yir-sell a monstir the kind yi cannae bag.

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