Ah'm no drunk, Hic! ©

Lead kindly light,
amid the encircling gloom.
Ah hev jist left the booser,
but ah canny find mah room.

The nicht is dark an’ fuzzy,
an’ ah hev lost me chuffin key.
An’ me car weern’t start wi’ oot it,
an ah canny get oan the bus fer free.

The Missus will be lang asleep,
Gawd bless her cotton socks.
So ah kip doon in the pig sty,
cos she’s secured the hoos wi’ locks.

The Pig gets up as ah lie doon,
cos she canny bide the smell o’ booze.
Then wen ah’m in slumber land,
she squirts in mah best pair o’ shoes.

Ah’l need ti cut mah spendin’
oan beer an’ crisps an’ fags.
An find anither ale hoos,
that is mair considerate ti owd lags.

Wunce ah wiz a sodjer,
sae prood an’ straight an’ tall.
But noo nae body bothers me,
like anither fly upon the wall.